what have i done in the past that i regret. nothing. because this is the life i lead and the life i chose and no one can tell me a right or wrong way to live my life. if they do they will get a strong talking too.
i never knew that people pay that much attention to peoples lives that they almost live the persons life for them. well i have control over my decisions and my thoughts . so im not apart of your dream . i will never have someone invade my life again . someone invade so far that i started to dream about them. i have been having small dreams about a certain someone but im trying to block it out. she is controlling me. she doesnt even notice.. your apart of my dream i dont even know if u think about me when your awake. thats whats stupid. its like im reading a fairy tale . but someone has ripped out the back pages and put in their own little story saying that snow white killed the prince. it provides no use to me apart from the fact i would know . the face that i would find out that everyone was.
i wish it was something i could just palm off but its like i see everything so blurry. i was blind but now i see that everyone has perceptions on the perfect person and suddenly its become a part of past and the future effortlessly. not knowing what is going to happen around the next bend. lets hope that there isnt another car coming in the opposite direction.
i finally figured out how to move on and how to lot let what anyone says effect me. just say. i don’t give a fuck really loudly. i have said it time and time again and it seems to work wonders.
what ever happened to people considering peoples feelings before saying anything or starting a fight. when people say they don’t want to fight with someone it generally means THEY DONT WANT TO FIGHT.
it hits a point where it just is too much and people give up on the whole thing. stop having a opinion. up and over my last mountain i thought about because i hit that point .. i hit that point of where you can see the finish line. people are wanting to hold you back and make you start all over again.
those are the people no one wants in their life. no one wants to have them in their to begin with. but they just have a habit of popping up and not leaving you alone till they get what they want.
watching the day go by at the cafe close to my school. i notice two things
god there a lot of women and god there are alot of interesting characters
like the man who walks around with a walking stick. obviously struggling to walk but the stick gives him a sense of pride. sipping on my cup of coffee sitting with benny. i see him walk past. benny smoking his dunhill black, me sitting back back and observing everyone who walks past. like the owner of the store im sitting out the front of eying me off like i have done something wrong when i have paid for and rightfully sat down to enjoy the morning. or the old lady pushing a pram up the hill trying to get to the bus stop before it got there.
i wish i had the dignity to stand up and say that im still human and im still able to do everything that i used to be able to do. just slower and with a lot more life experience weighing me down. then i think to myself the average life expectancy is 80 . im only 18 thats a lot of years to go and the life experiences to go. there is only a certain amount i would be able to take before i throw out the old and in the new.
this is only the beginning i could end up like the man with the walking stick or the old lady pushing the pram . who knows what life is going to bring. it is about the route you take to get there
i was sitting on the bus today. watching the lady who sits in the same spot every day with out a fail .. and i thought to myself why does this routine happen . a simple asian lady wanting a certain seat at a certain time. what made this so. untill it dawned on me. we all have our own little routines and daily structures. things that may seem new to you could actually be old and part of a cycle.
i realize this as i type because of my fights with the ex girlfriend all these many familiar fights i can basically Que. what she is going to say and when which is the crazy part. i know how to calm her down. i know how to make her more angry. are we that predictable. is all human nature a creepy repeat of home and away.
feeling like the world is ending when i realized . SHE isnt apart of my life anymore. she chose to leave and thats her problem. suddenly the show got a change of cast to mix it up a little.
anyway back to the lady on the bus. watching megan slide across to the seat where i knew the lady was going to sit down i felt sorry for the lady. feeling like her shows been cancelled and another one has taken over. it wasnt her fault. it was the ratings.
i dont like the fact that a subtle change can ruin our whole day . one thing .. one tiny thing can completely change around your whole day. what if that one thing was avoided. would the end result be the same ..
are we that set in our ways that we are afraid we might die if we change one tiny thing.